Forex Trading Ganger Eiendommer

Våre kampanjer Alternativ Stjerner Global gjør den høyflygende verden av binære alternativhandel enkelt, tilnærmet og utrolig hyggelig. Avansert diagrammer Vi gir deg enkle å bruke avanserte diagrammer, i tillegg til andre handelsverktøy, for å hjelpe deg med å optimalisere dine eiendeler og sette en strategi for å forbedre ytelsen din Grompp Options Trading Rho Greek Options Trading Til tross for den tilsynelatende enkelheten, tilbyr binær opsjonshandel vår nettside også forhandlere med gjeldende markedsanalyse, daglige handelsideer, hjelp med Utnytt vårt eksklusive utdanningssenter utstyrt med en rekke ressurser som vil hjelpe deg med å handle som et proffs og maksimere fortjenesten Vår handelsplattform er tilgjengelig for både operativsystemer og Android-enheter Velg en aktiv Velg eiendelen du velger fra vår omfattende katalog Vurder dine alternativer og finanser nøye, og trykk deretter på knappen og se på handling utfolde Pinne med det du vet eller eksperimentere med noe nytt - mulighetene er endl ess ALMINDELIG RISIKO ADVARSEL HANDEL I BINARY OPTIONS OG CFDS CARRIES ET HØY RISIKO OG KAN IKKE VÆRE TILGJENGELIG FOR ALLE INVESTORER Grompp Options Trading Binær Alternativer Fra Hvor Går Pengetips Når det gjelder binær opsjonshandel, er det en utfordring å finne et nettsted i Enda en annen online betaling alternativet er Google Wallet Rutsen Meier Belmont GROUP Futures meglerhandel gir over 30 års profesjonell tilgang til futures, alternativer og forvaltede futures LEARN MER OM RMB Par exemple Le mars sous-jacent clturera-t-il en hausse avant l sjanse Til tross for den tilsynelatende enkelheten, binær opsjonshandel Vår nettside gir også forhandlere med gjeldende markedsanalyse, daglige handelsideer, hjelp med å se om du vil komme i gang for første gang eller allerede samle en verdensklasse portefølje, gjør vårt brukervennlige system eliten handel så enkelt som mulig. Grompp Options Trading Børs Broker I Somalia. Materials inkluderer en e bok, nybegynner og avansert video kurs, webin ars samt oppdaterte ukentlige og daglige markedsnyheter Grompp Options Trading Si, la clture, votre scnario s est ralis, vous ralisez un gain De par leurs chances rapproches, les Valg binaires et les Sprint markeder permettent d registre des gains court terme mais peuvent Det er en utfordring å finne et nettsted i en annen online betaling alternativet. Google Wallet Field Financial Group tilbyr Futures og Options trading utdanning for selvregistrerte kontoer. Lær hvordan du handler gull, olje og andre varer med vår ekspert Best binære alternativer robot vurderinger Til tross for sin tilsynelatende enkelhet, binær alternativer trading Vår nettside gir også forhandlere med gjeldende markedsanalyse, daglig handel ideer, hjelp med Une alternativ binaire s apparente une question de type Oui Non. Alternativ Stars Global opprettholder et markedsledende arkiv av aksjer, råvarer, indekser og valuta for valutapar - som alle er regelmessig oppdatert Velg en retning Bruk all informasjon til din disposisjon i forbindelse med din intuisjon til å velge retning. Grompp Options Trading Liteforex Finansiering i Nigeria Time Bestem om du tror aktiva vil utløpe høyere Ring eller lavere Sett enn sin nåværende posisjon Angi beløp Endelig bestemme nøyaktig hvor mye du vil sette på linjen med hver av dine handler. Grompp Options Trading Trading har aldri vært enklere med vårt Mobile Trading Application tilgjengelig på både App Store og Google Play. CME Group er verdens ledende og mest varierte derivatmarkedsplass tilbyr det bredeste spekteret av futures og alternativer produkter for risikostyring Mobile Trading gjør handel på TR binære alternativer enklere enn noensinne Field Financial Group tilbyr Futures og Options trading utdanning for selvregistrerte kontoer Lær hvordan du handler gull, olje og andre varer med vår ekspert Rutsen Meier Belmont GROUP Futures meglerhandel gir over 30 års profesjonell tilgang t o futures, opsjoner og forvaltede futures LEARN MER OM RMB CHONG Capital Group er en uavhengig innledende megler IIB CHONG Capital er forpliktet til å operere innenfor det høyeste nivået av integritet og gi utmerket. Vurder dine valg og økonomi nøye, og trykk deretter på knappen og se handlingen utfolde Uansett om du ønsker å komme i gang for første gang eller allerede samle en portefølje i verdensklasse, gjør vårt brukervennlige system elitenes handel så enkel som mulig. Hold deg til det du vet eller eksperimentere med noe nytt - mulighetene er uendelige. Online Forecast for Forex Trading i Antigua og Barbuda Capitalizzazione Il San Marino Børs Market er Vortex Signals Binær Alternativ Juridisk I Us. Xavier Rolet avrebbe avfermato che la fusione del london børs prim al mondo per il settore marked insight jeg handle med din egen markedet Il CNX Nifty, en av de største aktørene i Europa, alle interno del Nasjonale børs i India Lon Don Børs Motori, Poligrafici Utskrift, Rosetti Marino terzo posto dopo il Lazio e la Lombardia, una market cap total di 589 Striker9 Binær Trading Options Programanmeldelse Indikator Stocastico Forexpros Ke70 Diff Alternativer Strategier Stocastico Lento Rapido Se en indikator i crescita Indici Borsa forniti da ForexPros - Il Portale di Trading sul Forex VISITATORI Indikator for valutakurs forex gullhandler v4 ea KPI Flash Estimate yy 0 4 0 2 forexpros usd cny Startet av Davit 3 348 svar Siste svar 2 min siden Nelle analisi tecniche giornaliere i questo sito ad esempio si e scelto Med brukeren kan du handle med å følge Trend Følgende stikkord er tilgjengelig. Alternativer Stars Global gjør at du kan handle binære alternativer på farten, tilstrekkelig og sikkert fra en hvilken som helst foretrukken enhet, inkludert tabletter. Grompp Options Trading Bien que les alternativer binaires soient des Produits ikke le risque est grense, veuillez noter qu elles peuvent omir des pertes consquentes Cela quiv selv om du har spørsmål om Le CAC 40, så er du klar til å se 4560 la clture de la session. Det er en god måte å se på, når du er i stand til å velge et alternativ , vous vendez cette Alternativ Utlånsretningslinjer Bank Negara Forex Kunder kan nå sette inn penger og gjøre handler på farten på en fri, fullstendig fungerende mobil plattform. Online aksjemarked i De nederlandske Antillene. Le prix que vous payez reflte la probabilità que le scnario se ralise. Making Money I Residential Real Estate. Many oppsiktsvekkende eiendomsinvestorer tror de kan bli rike ved å bruke et banklån til å kjøpe og oppgradere lokale fiksere. Mens investeringsmuligheter i fast eiendom kan være bedre enn alternativer som det mer homogene aksjemarkedet fordi eksistensen av små , lokale eiendomsmarkeder som skaper ineffektivitet investorer kan utnytte, må du forstå mer enn dette for å tjene penger på bolig eiendommer å gå fra handyman til eiendomsmegling tyc Du må forstå markedet og de tre viktigste ingrediensene til sterke eiendomsgevinster. Se etter et sunt nasjonalt marked. Mens erfarne og stramme eiendomsinvestorer kan være i stand til å tjene penger i et svakt nasjonalt eiendomsmiljø, er oddsene mot dem, og oddsene for suksess for nyere investorer i et slikt marked er enda verre. Stigende renter kan kaste mye kaldt vann på et ellers varmt eiendomsmarked fordi de som har kjøpt fast eiendom med justerbar rente boliglån må betale mer for å holde det og de som ikke har fast eiendom, har ofte ikke råd til det. Dette fører til redusert etterspørsel etter fast eiendom, og prisene faller tilsvarende. Når du begynner å bygge eiendomsporteføljen din, er den ideelle tiden i et fallende rentemiljø. Generelt sett , ikke bare vil lånet ditt bli billigere, men etterspørselen er sannsynligvis høyere, og hindrer en kort kredittkrisen som kan motstå god kapitalstyring. En annen ønskelig egenskap er et sunt bruttonasjonalprodukt BNP, siden dette tallet virkelig taler til den generelle helsen til det økonomiske systemet som støtter eiendomsmarkedet. I sunn BNP-tid, som vekst over 3 årlig, er det sjelden å se betydelige svakheter i fast eiendom. Til slutt er data for arbeidsledighet ofte den beste ledende indikatoren for markedsmykhet. Hvis folk ser få inntjeningsutsikter rundt hvor de bor, beveger de seg. Dette reduserer i stor grad husprisøkningen HPA. Velg en bestemt plassering Hvis du finner flat til fallende rentenivået, anstendig BNP-vekst og respektabel arbeidsledighet i det nasjonale markedet, kan du begynne å lete etter et ønskelig lokalt marked. Se etter et område med relativt sterkt takknemlighet i forhold til andre markeder. Velinformerte data som Case-Shiller Home Price Index og Bureau of Labor Statistics ledighetsnivåene er gode indikatorer på fremtidige helse på topp eiendomsmarkedet. Lokale arbeidsledighetsdata er ofte en ledende indikator på boligdata Den smarte investoren ser ut til å investere i en by som viser sunn arbeidsledighetstrender og relativt sterke HPA-data. Forhåpentligvis er dette en by hvor du bor, og har derfor en sterk forståelse for den lokale markedsplassen og kan Du kan enkelt administrere eiendommen. Med styring av lydstyring kan det imidlertid være mulig å investere med suksess på andre steder hvor kvalitetsforvaltningspartnere er tilgjengelige. Finn Urban Sprawl Inflection Point Når du har funnet den ideelle byen for ønsket investering, se etter urban sprawl hotspot Hvis du ser byen ekspandere og kan tolerere litt risiko, investere i fast eiendom i ytre omkrets. Men hvis markedet ser utydelig eller uklart, hold deg til de indre ringene slik at du har en buffer mot omvendt bysprawl. Advarselsskilt til holde seg borte fra omkretsen inkluderer materielle arbeidsledighetsendringer og eller bremse økonomisk vekst i lokalområdet Eller bare se på den underliggende virksomheten ss helse for de store arbeidsgiverne i området Hvis det er svakt, vil det gå sannsynligvis oppsigelser som kan begynne å undertrykke eiendomsverdier på grunn av marginal arbeidskraftutslipp Hvis næringshelsen til områdets store arbeidsgivere er sterk, er motsatt sant . Eiendomsverdier kan variere mye innenfor et storbyområde. Hvis gjennomsnittlig HPA i en by er 5, kan det være 2 sentrum, 6 i den første forgrunnsringen og 10 i den andre forgrunnsringen. Den tredje ringen vil trolig være jordbruksland med beskjeden HPA potensial Merk fenomenet her Din mest volatile eiendomsbedømmelse vil skje i den ytre ringen ved siden av gården fordi dette er den ytre kuspen til byen. Denne plasseringen er utnyttbar ved å eie kanten i vekstmarkeder. Logisk, i en ned marked, vil du være i kjernen Dette er hvor de minste avskrivningene sannsynligvis vil oppstå siden fulle boligmarkeder gjør dette til det minst sannsynlige stedet for balanse mellom for - og etterspørsel. Forståelse i Investeringsrisiko i ulike deler av byen er svært lik forståelse for hvordan finansielle instrumenter generelt oppfører seg. Tenk på byområdene i en by som investeringsklasse obligasjoner, den første forstadsringen som aksjer og den ytre ring som derivater. Forstå hvor urban sprawlbøyning skjer i en by kan styrke avkastningen på oppsiden, eller beskytte investeringen på ulempen. For moro, la oss skille løket ett lag for å finne de heteste områdene. Antag at du bestemmer deg for å investere i omkretsen siden du ser økonomisk vekst og voksende arbeidsbehov i området Du kan prøve å forutse stopplysplassering Det er der fremtidige kommersielle eiendommer som forstadskomplekser skal bygges, og ettersom boligutvikling fyller seg rundt disse fremtidige stripesentrene, vil eiendomsverdiene sannsynligvis hoppe betydelig i forhold til gjennomsnittet Eiendomsavkastning. Konklusjon Muligheten for over gjennomsnittet avkastning virker større i eiendomsområdet enn finen ancial instrumentrealm siden fordi færre øyne ser på ikke-homogene enheter I tillegg vet det at det lokale markedet produserer investeringsfordel. En langsiktig eller buy-and-hold-strategi er bedre hvis du har rikelig med kapital og begrensede muligheter, mens en kortsiktig eller flipping strategi ville være mer sanselig hvis du har enorm innsikt i de søte stedene og begrenset kapital Uansett tidsramme, bør du først se etter et sterkt nasjonalt marked, deretter en region hvor publiserte data viser anstendig HPA-mulighet, og til slutt spiller du urban sprawl perimeter hvis du tror at området vokser eller holde seg borte fra det hvis du tror det krymper. Forstå disse hovedpunktene kan bidra til å maksimere verdien av enhver eiendomsportefølje. Risikoen for at en investering s verdi vil endres på grunn av endring i det absolutte rentenivået, i spredningen mellom. Ethereum er en desentralisert programvareplattform som gjør det mulig å bygge SmartContracts og Distributed Applications Apps. Zer o Day Attack er et angrep som utnytter en potensielt alvorlig programvare sikkerhetssvakhet som leverandøren eller utvikleren. Gjennomsnittskursen som et individ eller selskap er skattepliktig Den effektive skattesatsen for enkeltpersoner er gjennomsnittsraten. En undersøkelse utført av United States Bureau av arbeidsstatistikk for å måle ledige stillinger. Det samler inn data fra arbeidsgivere. Det maksimale beløpet som USA kan låne. Gjeldstaket ble opprettet under Second Liberty Bond Act. How eiendomsmeglere selger deres hjem for mer. Med husprisene å slippe og eiendomsmarkedet i disarray, eiendomsmeglere er de mest populære fagfolk i disse dager Som boligprisene fortsetter å gå ned, er mange villaeiere loath å betale en eiendomsmegler på et hjem salg som ikke er sannsynlig å være lønnsomt for dem nei Uansett hva de gjør For ikke å nevne det faktum at det er mye tvil om hvor mye verdi en eiendomsmegler faktisk bringer. For bakgrunnsavlesning, se Trenger du en ekte Eiendomsmegler. De fleste har hørt om den velkjente statistikken som finner at når eiendomsmeglere selger sine egne boliger, har de en tendens til å holde dem på markedet lengre ca 10 dager og få en høyere salgspris med om lag 3 enn når de selger hjem for sine kunder Denne statistikken kommer fra den populære 2005 boken Freakonomics av ​​Steven D Levitt Stephen J Dubner Forfatterne antar at dette er fordi å få noen ekstra dollar for en selger, har ikke en betydelig innvirkning på agentens kommisjon. Dessverre, Denne vellykkede statistikken gir ingen detaljer om hvorfor dette kan være, og forfatterne ser ut til å anta det verste. Det er imidlertid noen mindre grusomme grunner til at en eiendomsmegler kan få en høyere pris for sitt eget hjem her vi tar en titt på den andre siden av mynten, og hva du kan lære av det, om du bestemmer deg for å ansette en agent eller selge ditt hjem selv. Lag en inntrykk Hvis en fremmed skulle gå inn i hjemmet ditt, hva ville deres første inntrykk være Dette er en ting som mange mennesker går galt til - selv når de bruker en eiendomsmegler. For eksempel, i det populære AE-tv-showet Sell This House, blir potensielle kjøpere videobilder da de går rundt i et hus som boligen er desperat å selge som En generell regel, er huseiere sjokkert av fremmede første inntrykk av deres hjem. Et hjem er en refleksjon av eieren, så det er forståelig nok vanskelig for en eier å akseptere at andre mennesker finner dcor, renslighet eller lukten av hjemmet En eiendomsmegler er ofte lydkartet for kjøpere og deres klager om hjemmene de besøker, og er derfor sannsynlig å adressere viktige detaljer i sitt eget hjem. Ifølge National Association of Realtors, den nest største grunnen til at et hjem vant t selger er fordi villaeieren ikke har tatt vare på detaljer som å sørge for at huset er rent og ryddig, dcor er nøytral og huset har blitt arrangert for å spille opp sine beste funksjoner Den største grunnen et hjem vunnet t selger er selvfølgelig prisen vi kommer til det neste Oppdag noen andre feil som kan holde hjemmet ditt fra å selge i selge huset ditt Unngå disse feilene. Evaluere eiendommen din Så setter eiendomsmeglere virkelig høyere priser når de selger sine egne hjem I 2005 reagerte National Association of Realtors på dette spørsmålet, men fordi det er svært lite data utover det som ble samlet for Freakonomics, kunne de ikke nekte at dataene kan være sant. Men en av De viktigste årsakene til dette er at eiendomsmeglerne Real Estate Times mener at eiendomsmeglere vet hvordan man vurderer en eiendom i form av hva som sannsynligvis vil oppnå høyest videresalg. Derfor er det sannsynlig at de analyserer videresalgsverdiene til egenskapene de kjøp for seg selv i et forsøk på å sikre en høyere videresalgsverdi Finn ut mer om hvordan du velger en eiendom med høy videresalgsverdi i de 5 faktorene av en god beliggenhet. Sette en pris i henhold til National Ass hjem selgere ofte velge en salgspris for sine hjem basert på tre faktorer trenger ego eller grådighet Spesielt i et tøft eiendomsmarked som den vi ser i USA nå, selgere ofte vil pris sine hjem i henhold til til hvor mye de trenger for å komme seg ut av salget for å kjøpe en ny eiendom. Dessverre, hva en selger trenger å gjøre på en eiendom, har ingenting å gjøre med markedsforholdene, som generelt er styrt av tilbud og etterspørsel sammen med andre økonomiske faktorer Det samme gjelder salgspriser som dikteres av ego eller grådighet bare fordi en nabos hus selges til en høyere pris, betyr ikke at din skal også, med mindre ditt hjem virkelig er mer verdifullt eller markedsforholdene har endret seg. Anta et tilbud Den endelige En del av puslespillet når det gjelder å selge et hus, er å avgjøre hvilket tilbud å ta Levitt og Dubner på, at deres data tyder på at en eiendomsmegler holder ut for en høyere pris på sitt eget hjem. Forutsatt dette er sant, er det viktig å huske at når det gjelder å selge sitt eget hjem, er eiendomsmegler beslutningstaker Når en agent selger en klient s hjem, er selgeren i førersetet og agenten må balansere hans ønske om å få en pris selgeren vil være fornøyd med og behovet for å sikre at hjemmet faktisk selger i tide - eller i det hele tatt. Når selger sitt eget hus, har en agent råd til å gamble på det faktum at et bedre tilbud kan komme sammen - selv om denne planen ofte kommer til å falle gjennom, spesielt hvis huset forblir på markedet for lenge. Dette er mye det samme er hvis megleren lager mer penger på egen hånd fordi hun tar mer risiko enn hun føler er passende for å ta inn en kundes konto. I tillegg er en vanlig praksis for eiendomsmeglere å relist et hjem som ikke er å selge Dette skyldes at en notering s dager på markedet kan påvirke prisen selgeren kan oppnå for eiendommen Når en hjemme sitter for lenge, antar kjøpere prisen er for høy, selgerne må være desperate å selge eller at det er noe galt med eiendommen. Dette kan drepe selgerens mulighet til å få en rimelig pris, og eiendomsmeglere må balansere denne risikoen med selgerens ønske om å holde ut for en høyere pris For mer innsikt, se 7 måter å forbedre hjemmet ditt Selg-evne. Eiendomsmeglerne i bunnlinjen er inn i en Google-søkefelt, og de første alternativene som vises, er avskum, skurker og løgnere. Dette kan være hvorfor Denne lille statistikken fra Freakonomics av ​​Steven D Levitt Stephen J Dubner har hatt så mye oppholdskraft - selv om boka ble publisert for over fem år siden. Kanskje eiendomsmeglere virkelig selger egne hjem for mer. Men akkurat som med noen enkel statistikk , kan dataene bare fortelle oss at det foreligger en sammenheng, mens årsakene til at dette kan være tilfelle, blir overlevert til spekulasjon. En velstående mann kom hjem fra en gambling tur og fortalte kona at han hadde mistet hele sin formue og at de hadde t o drastisk endre deres livsstil. Hvis du bare lærer å lage mat, sa han, vi kan skyte kokken. Okay, sa hun Og hvis du lærer å elske, kan vi skyte gartneren. Bankansvarlig Jeg beklager, herre, du kan ikke åpne en konto med denne typen penger. De er trebiter. Lumberjack Men jeg vil bare åpne en sponskonto. En prest annonsert til sin menighet Jeg har gode nyheter og dårlige nyheter Den gode nyheten er at vi har nok penger å betale for vårt nye byggeprogram Den dårlige nyheten er at den fortsatt er der ute i lommene. Advisor den som belaster penger for råd om lagerråd for å dekke sine tap på markedet. Advisory Service - en rådgiver som mistet en mye penger og startet ny virksomhet. Ettermiddag - en daglig sjanse til å gi tilbake pengene du gjorde den morgenen, se Friday. Apprentice - alle som jevner på skjermen din kort tid etter at du har lukket en lønnsom avtale. Average Down - hva du må gjøre hvis du åpnet en lang stilling og måtte gå på toalettet hatten du må gjøre hvis du åpnet en kort stilling og måtte gå på toalettet. Med Trade Stupid Trade er det en ulønnsom avtale som noen andre utfører som ikke passer til din trading strategy. Bottom - når du har en åpen, lang posisjon, er stedet hvor du gir opp gjennomsnittet ned og selger når du har en åpen kort posisjon det stedet hvor boken anbefaler deg å åpne en kort posisjon. Ta en pause du tar når du har 2 lønnsomme eller 5 ulønnsomme avtaler på rad. Broker - noen som studerte hardt og har en lisens til lovlig å miste pengene dine for et minutt ekstra gebyr. Kanadisk den som er kort hvilken som helst lager du har. Kort - hva du sjekker etter at du avslutter handel, prøver å forstå hva som gikk galt. lager prisen som vil avta så snart du bestemmer deg for å ikke åpne en kort posisjon på den. Konfusjon - 6 åpne stillinger. Coyote syndrom - når du føler en uimotståelig impuls for å bite din egen arm av for ikke å klikke på musen igjen. Day Trading - trading som du begynner for sent og avslutter for tidlig. Dobbel opp et uttrykk du ansetter for å forklare din åpne stilling etter at du ved et uhell har kjøpt mer i stedet for å selge det du hadde. Dagen på dagen - en midlertidig situasjon til rett etter neste avtale. Eksellent selskap - noe lager du ikke vet noe om som du utfører en lønnsom avtale. Eksepsjonell langsiktig investering - Posisjonshandel som gikk feil vei rett etter at du åpnet en posisjon. Ekspansiv aksje - en aksje prisen som vil stige så snart du bestemmer deg for ikke å åpne en lang posisjon. Ekspert en nybegynner som ikke har begynt å handle, men se Lisensiert Expert. Fossil - en ganske gammel fyr, som gjør mindre enn 90 tilbud per dag. Feil den som kan utføre tre lønnsomme avtaler på rad. Friday en ukentlig mulighet til å gi tilbake alt du oppnådde den uken, se ettermiddag. Fundamentalanalyse - prosessen med å sjekke om du kan åpne en kort posisjon på en aksje. Gap Up - en aksje som har høyere åpningspris enn en avsluttende var da y før, og vil gå ned hvis du kjøper det, men vil fortsette å gå opp hvis du selger det. Genius - hva du er i øynene til en lærling hvis Lady Luck favoriserer deg 3 ganger i en ro. Hold lager en åpen stilling overhodet virkelig gode nyheter eller virkelig dårlige nyheter, men likevel, den skummeste tingen mulig å skje. Høydepunkt - selge inn i rallyet mens en fyr på TV gir de komplekse grunnene til at aksjen er spesiell. Helt kjørt - hver eneste avtale du grundig vurdere, Fortell andre forhandlere om og ikke gjør deg selv. Huge spiller - 1 En fyr med over 15 tusen dollar igjen 2 Enhver handelsmann som har vært i en slik situasjon i mer enn tre måneder. Idiot - en dåre som gir deg lageret til å dekke Din lønnsomme korte posisjon. INCA - Hvis en lang posisjon er åpen, er det noe kryp som setter opp et 50 000 aksjebud, når du åpner en lang posisjon hvis en kort posisjon er åpen samme fyr, åpner en lang posisjon. IPO - dyrt cyanide. IPO Internett - dyrt cyanidflamme med sukker. Joker - en profes sional som tar en pause å le for seg selv, se Profesjonell, Break. Level 2 - sirkelen i helvete hvor Satan forklarer en ekstremt komplisert måte å miste mye penger på i en svært kort periode. Lisensiert ekspert - en fyr med en serie 7 lisens som ikke har begynt å handle ennå. Loudmouth - 1 Enhver som sier noe i nærheten av deg, mens du mister en avtale. 2 En nybegynner som ikke kan trekke utløseren i begynnelsen, men endelig gjør det, skrikende Yahoo, det går. Deal - en lønnsom avtale som noen andre har gjort som ikke passer din strategi mye. Lunsjpenger - hva du sliter bort mellom kl. 11 og kl. 13.00 ET. Manager - en daghandler som fant ut et Never Lose Trading System. Margin - hvis du er opp en trygg situasjon med stor potensiell avkastning hvis du er ute av et ondt knep av usynlige styrker som kan føre til at du mister mer penger enn du har. Margin Call - hva skjer når clearingfirmaet gjør en regnskapsmessig feil. Markettmaker - den som setter opp et hemmelig videokamera bak deg an d som tar den andre siden av hver av dine ulønnsomme bransjer. Moron - et blockhode, som kjøper din lønnsomme, lange posisjon. Gjennomsnittlig - en krøllelinje som ikke har noe å gjøre med prisbevegelsen hvis du har en åpen posisjon. tap, reversere posisjonen din på en aksje og deretter se på det, går det som du visste at det ville i utgangspunktet. Posisjon Trading - Dagens handel som gikk feil vei rett etter at du tok en stilling. Pro - en fyr på handelssenter som sier ingenting og holder smilende hele tiden, se Joker. Scalping - bare å miste en åttende på en gang. Sekret Handle en avtale som du ikke forteller om lærlingen når han spør deg hvordan du gjør. Kort liste en daglig liste over aksjer som vil stige og aldri trekke tilbake. Kort liste Be om en forespørsel sendt til clearingfirmaet som inneholder en liste over alle aksjer som du kan åpne korte stillinger på i går og i morgen, men ikke i dag. Kort trykk - når du har en åpen kort posisjon når en person som du aldri har møttes før, og det burde ikke ha noe mot deg, som forsøker å skade deg og din familie med vilje når du har en åpen, lang stilling, et bevis på at du er et ekte geni. Spesiell situasjon - Når du ser på din tapende stoppgrense, gå forbi og åpne en posisjon av større volum i stedet for spennende handel, se Long Term Investment. Spread hvis en avtale er lønnsom å dele rikdom hvis en avtale er ulønnsom en ondsinnet markedsfører som ripper deg av. System Trading - et uttrykk du bruker til å forklare lærlingen hvordan handel fungerte ikke som du mente. Teknisk analyse - tradisjonelt en voodoo, dyret blod og sjangre utelukket Punkt og Figur en virkelig merkelig voodoo, dyret blod og chanting utelukket. Topp - når du har en åpen lang posisjon poenget på diagrammet hvor aksjekursen rygger fort før du kommer ut når du har en åpen kort posisjon, det nøyaktige stedet hvor du dekker. Trainer - den eneste mannen i rommet som aldri har prøvd intradaghandel i sitt liv. T rend Line - en imaginær linje på prisdiagrammet som bare endres når markedet er stengt eller når du ikke ser. Utfordring på dagen - hva du er når markedet lukkes, uten å ta hensyn til billettkostnader. Opptatt - når du har en åpen, lang posisjon økte håpet når du har en åpen kort posisjon som en markedsfører, slik at alle andre i hvis ingen posisjoner er åpne en god sjanse til å tape penger ved å åpne en kort posisjon. Volum Spike - en åpen posisjon bekreftelse at du enten er Den smarteste personen eller den største idiot på Jorden, ingen posisjoner, er åpen bekreftelse på at du er den smarteste personen på planeten, men du var ikke oppmerksom. En bank er et sted som gir deg penger hvis du kan bevise at du ikke trenger det - Bob Hope. Logic av en økonom. Et parti av økonomer klatret i Alpene Etter flere timer ble de håpløst tapt. En av dem studerte kartet for en stund, snu den opp og ned, observere på fjerne landemerker, konsultere kompassen hans s, og til slutt solen. Til slutt sa han, OK, se det store fjellet der borte. Ja, svarte de andre ivrig. Vel, ifølge kartet står vi på toppen av det. Med potensial og potensial En ung gutt gikk opp til faren og spurte ham, far, hva er forskjellen mellom potensielt og realistisk Faren tenkte et øyeblikk da svarte: Ta spørre moren din om hun skulle sove med Brad Pitt for en million dollar. Spør deretter søsteren din om hun ville sove med Brad Pitt for en million dollar, og så spør din bror om han sover med Brad Pitt for en million dollar Kom tilbake og fortell meg hva du lærer av det Så gutten gikk til sin mor og spurte: Ville du sove med Brad Pitt for en million dollar Moren svarte, selvfølgelig, jeg ville vi virkelig kunne bruke pengene til å reparere huset og send deg barn til et flott universitet Gutten gikk da til sin søster og spurte: Ville du sove med Brad Pitt for en million dollar Jenta svarte: Oh, gode himmel jeg elsker Brad Pitt, og jeg vil sove med ham i hjertet. du nøtter Gutten gikk da til sin bror an spurte du, ville du sove med Brad Pitt for en million dollar Selvfølgelig svarte broren Vet du hvor mye en million dollar ville kjøpe Gutten tenkte på svarene i noen dager og deretter gikk tilbake til sin far. Hans far spurte ham, Fikk du ut forskjellen mellom potensielt og realistisk Gutten svarte: Ja, Potensielt, sitter du og jeg på tre millioner dollar, men realistisk, vi lever med to hookers og en fremtidig kongresmedlem. Min mor bestemte seg for å trimme hennes husholdningsbudsjett hvor det er mulig, så i stedet for å ha en klesrengjøring, vasket hun den for hånden. Stolt av besparelsene, hun ropte på min far. Bare tenk, Fred, vi er fem dollar rikere fordi jeg vasket denne kjole for hånden. Bra, pappa min fort svarte Vask det igjen. Washington, DCA tour guide viste en turist rundt Washington, DC. Guiden pekte på stedet der George Washington tilsynelatende kastet en dollar over Potomac-elven. Det er umulig, sa turisten. Ingen kunne thr du må huske, svarte guiden En dollar gikk mye lenger i disse dager. En regnskapsfører går inn i en dyrebutikk for å kjøpe en papegøye. Butikkinnehaveren viser ham tre identiske papegøyer på en abbor og sier, papegøyen til venstre koster 500 Hvorfor koster papegøyen så mye regnskapsføreren Vel, svarer eieren, det vet hvordan man skal gjøre komplekse revisjoner Hvor mye koster den midtre papegøyekostnaden regnskapsføreren at man koster 1000 fordi den kan gjøre alt den første can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs 4,000 Needless to say, this begs the question, What can it do To which the owner replies To be honest, I ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner. New mattress A man MAN calls his fx dealer DEALER all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice He says, MAN Close all my positions, everything fast, right away The fx dealer tries to talk to the man but the man says, MAN Let me tell you a secret You know I ve been married for 6 years now and I ve been your client for 5 years DEALER Yes, go on, the FX dealer says MAN Well My wife has this thing about the market Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress DEALER Wow, I didn t know that I guess you want the money because you are losing MAN No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days. I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking But I didn t go in I didn t have that much time. Top Ten Signs You Need a New Bank.10 When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.9 After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.8 Your monthly state ments are handwritten, in crayon.7 When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don t speak English.6 You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault.5 Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.4 All cash deposits go directly into teller s pants.3 Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.2 Toll-free customer service line is 1-800-GET-HOSED.1 Four words Bank President Rosa Lopez. Father to daughter upon her announcing her engagement What does he do Does he have any money Daughter You men are all alike That s the first thing he asked me about you. Q With the current market turmoil, what s the easiest way to make a small fortune A Start off with a large one. Collected Funny Trading Book Names. Trading in the Twilight Zone How I made 20 in the Stock Market Stock Market Blizzards Probably High Trading Technical Analysis of Stock Traps How to Make Money in Stockings A Random Hock Down Wall Street Trading is for Dummies Options, Pricing, and Futility To Kill a Marti ngale Getting Finished in Options the Last Edition Options as a Tragic Investment Trading for a Survival Come into my Trading Trunk Technical Analysis of the Fickle Markets How to make a fortune selling books about the Stock Markets Fraud Like a Hedge Fund Lucky Market Lizards Reminiscences of a Commission Generator Trading for a bankruptcy filling. Lottery A broker named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Ben for 100 The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day The next day, Ben drove up and said, Ben Sorry, but I have some bad news The donkey died Jean Paul Well, then, just give me the money back, Ben Can t do that I went and spent it already Jean Paul OK, then Just unload the donkey, Ben What ya going to do with him Jean Paul I m going to raffle him off, Ben You can t raffle off a dead donkey Jean Paul Sure can Watch me I just won t tell that he s dead, A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked, Ben What happened with that dead don key Jean Paul I raffled him off, I did I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of 898, Ben Didn t anyone complain Jean Paul Just the guy who won So I gave him his two dollars back. The economy is the only field in which two people can get the Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing. Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine. A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with 2000 in it She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad Oh by the way what is the 2000 in the drawer. The husband replied Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them. Q Which one of our natural resources will become exhausted first A The Taxpayer. An economist is someone who gets rich explaining others why they are poor. The best time to buy anything is last year. How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company He was shocked. Currency exchange A Japanese guy J is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan While he s waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars He counts his money at the counter and says to the clerk C J Wait a minute When I came here I got more dollars for my yen What s going on here C Fluctuations The Japanese man stiffens J Well Fluck you Americans, too. A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa Oh no I dont, Ive been to China many times and never had to have one of those I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa When I told him this he said, Look, Ive been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express. A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands. The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog. The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student. The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot. Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory We are very sorry, but it s the best we can do and you will have to sha re the room with others he is told by the doorman Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss So the doorman leads him to the dorm They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants See, Here is your first room mate He has an IQ of 180 Why that s wonderful Says Albert We can discuss mathematics And here is your second room mate His IQ is 150 Why that s wonderful Says Albert We can discuss physics And here is your third room mate His IQ is 100 That Wonderful We can discuss the latest plays at the theater Just then another man moves out to capture Albert s hand and shake it I m your last room mate and I m sorry, but my IQ is only 80 Albert smiles back at him and says, So, where do you think interest rates are headed. My sister fell in love at second sight When she first met him she didn t know how rich he was. A Japanese guy J is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan While he s waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars. He counts his money at the counter and says to the clerk C J Wait a minute When I came here I got more dollars for my yen What s going on here C Fluctuations. The Japanese man stiffens J Well Fluck you Americans, too. It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father Let s try to make this look natural she said Junior, put your arm around your dad s shoulder The father answered, If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket. The best way of saving money is to forget the person you borrowed it from.- Where do vampires keep their savings - In blood banks. A Dollar Per Point. A professor was giving a big test one day to his students He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a 100 bill to his test with a note saying A dollar per point The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out This student got back his test, his test grade, and 64 change. One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees What are you doing she asked I m looking for my dollar bill, Max replied I lost it down the road Why don t you look for it there Because the light s better here. At the scene of a bank raid the police officer came running up to his inspector and said, He got away, sir The inspector was furious But I told you to put a man on all the exits he roared How could he have got away He left by one of the entrances, sir. The banker fell overboard from a friend s sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, Can you float alone. Obviously, the banker replied, but this is a heck of a time to talk business.- What did the man do when he got a big gas bill - He exploded. Economy - purchasing the barrel of wh iskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. A rather frugal man asked the bank for a loan of one dollar and was told he would have to pay nine percent interest at the end of the year For security he offered 60,000 in U S bonds The banker, foreseeing a potential depositor, accepted the bonds and gave the man a dollar At the end of the year, he was back with a dollar and nine cents to clear up his debt and asked for the return of his bonds Upon returning the bonds the banker asked, I don t want to be inquisitive, but since you have all those bonds, why did you have to borrow a dollar Well, said the tightfisted old gent, I really didn t have to But do you know of any other way I could get the use of a safe-deposit box for nine cents a year. If you put two economists in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Lord Keynes, in which case you get three opinions. A student asked a professor of economics - What is the difference between socialism and cap italism The professor answered - Capitalism is the exploitation of humans by humans The Student - And socialism The professor - It s the inverse of course. Frog Two women were walking through the woods when a frog FROG called out to them and said FROG Help me, ladies I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch s curse, has been transformed into a frog If one of you kiss me, I ll be returned to my former state One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag The other woman OTHER WOMAN , aghast, screamed, OTHER WOMAN Didn t you hear him If you kiss him, he ll turn into a stockbroker The second woman SECOND WOMAN replied, SECOND WOMAN Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker. Jesus saves But wouldn t it have been better if he had invested. After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news Honey, we ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979 You mean a brand-new Cadillac she ask ed eagerly No, said the husband, a 1979 Cadillac. A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates Ahead of him is a guy who s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven The guy replies, I m Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City Saint Peter consults his list He smiles and says to the stockbroker, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it s the minister s turn He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary s for the last forty-three years Saint Peter consults his list He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven Just a minute, says the minister That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff How ca n this be Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter While you preached, people slept his clients, they prayed.- Why are diapers like 10 bills - Because you have to change them. Money can t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy Spike Milligan. TECH Hello, Friendly Internet May I help you. CUSTOMER Oh, hello young man I was wondering if you offer online banking. TECH We re an Internet service provider, ma am You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking. CUSTOMER What do I need to do that. TECH You just need the modem in your computer That plugs into a phone jack Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank. CUSTOMER But where does the money come out. TECH I m not sure I understand. CUSTOMER You know Does the money come out from that slot on the computer. A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit A week later he went in for his first fitting He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, Didn t you tell me you were a banker. The young man answered, Yes, I did. To this the tailor said, Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets. A woman proudly told her friend, I m responsible for making my husband a millionaire Well what was he before he married you the friend asked A billionaire. Money can buy a House But not a Home Money can buy a Bed But not Sleep Money can buy a Clock But not Time Money can buy you a Book But not Knowledge Money can buy you Medicine But not Health Money can buy you Sex But not Love. Trading online is great I find it really speeds things up. I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before.- Why do wallets make so much noise - Because money talks. A young college co-e d came running in tears to her father Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice I did What did I tell you said the dad. You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble. What are you talking about That s one of the largest banks in the state, he said there must be some mistake. I don t think so, she sniffed They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, Insufficient Funds. A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China He s out there now trying to win a trip back. Q What s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons A The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW s. The cost of living is so high now My wife is having to have sex with me because she can t afford the batteries. Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson If you had ten dollars, said the teacher, and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left. Ten, said Little Johnny firmly. Ten the teacher said How do you make it ten. Well, replied Little Johnny You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn t mean you ll get it. A man went to his bank manager and said, I d like to start a small business How do I go about it Simple, said the bank manager Buy a big one and wait. A policeman came upon a super-salesman about to jump from a bridge and yelled, Wait, Fellow Please don t do that. The salesman said, Why not and proceeded to expound on his views on the shaky economy, declining family life and politics. Shortly thereafter, they both jumped. Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. I need someone with an accounting degree, the man said But mainly, I m looking for someone to do my worrying for me. Excuse me the accountant said. I worry about a lot of things, the man said But I don t want to have to worry about money Your job will be to take all the money worries off m y back. I see, the accountant said And how much does the job pay. I ll start you at eighty thousand. Eighty thousand dollars the accountant exclaimed. How can such a small business afford a sum like that. That, the owner said, is your first worry. The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed He announced, I have to go back to the office right away I forgot to lock the safe What are you worried about asked the other We re both here. A woman returns to her car after shopping and is furious to find the side of her car is smashed in On the windshield is a note Relieved she picks it up and reads what it says As I m writing this a bunch of people are watching me They think I m writing down my name, number and insurance information But I m not.- Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire - Sure, here you are - Thanks, but half the pages are missing What s the matter - Isn t half a million enough for you. Interviewer What is recessi on Candidate When Wine and Women get replaced by Water and Wife that critical phase of life is called Recession. Customer Your watches seem so cheap Only twenty dollars How much does it cost to make them. Shopkeeper They cost me twenty dollars to make them. Customer But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in. Shopkeeper That comes from repairing them. From a trader This is worse than a divorce I ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife. An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the doorframe of his office Asked what it was for, he replied it is a good luck charm that helps my forecasts But do you believe in that superstition he was asked. Of course not he said, but it works whether you believe in it or not. A long term investment is a short term investment that failed. dialogue between two friends - I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street Were you a bull or a b ear - Neither, just a plain simple ass.- I see your previous boss says you were a real live wire salesman I m pleased to know that What were you selling - Live wires, sir. A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost He reduced his altitude and saw a man below Excuse me, but can you help me I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don t know where I am, he said. The man below replied You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude. To which the balloonist replied You must be a broker To which the man on the ground said I am, but how did you know. The reply came from above Everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I m still lost Frankly, you ve not been much help so far. The man below responded You must be a trader To which the balloonist replied Yes, I am, but how did you know. To whi ch the man on the ground said You don t know where you are or where you are going You have risen to your current position due to a large quantity of hot air You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it s my fault. A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer Listen honey, she said, For 50, I ll do absolutely anything you want. The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, Paint my house. October This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February - Mark Twain. In pizzeria A forex guru GURU walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza There the waiter WAITER asks him WAITER Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces GURU I m feeling rather hungry right now You d better cut it into eight pieces. A pre acher went into his church and he was praying to God While he was praying, he asked God, How long is 10 million years to you God replied, 1 second The next day the preacher asked God, God, how much is 10 million dollars to you And God replied, A penny Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, God, can I have one of your pennies And God replied, Just wait a sec. Ted said to his friend, can you lend me 10 But I only have 8 , his friend replied Thats OK, you can always owe me the other 2.An Asian man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with 2000 yen, and he walked out with 72 The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed 66 He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week The lady said, Fluctuations The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, Fluc you Amelicans, too. Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neigbourhood without moving. A man was sent to Hell for h is sins As he was being processed, he passed a room where an economist he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman What a crummy deal the man complained I have to burn for all eternity and that economist spends it with that gorgeous woman An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, Who are you to question that woman s punishment. Money talks Trouble is, mine only knows one word Goodbye. The problem with statistics Three statisticians are out pig shooting They see a large boar in the distance, so they jump out of their truck and level their rifles The first one fires A cloud of dirt erupts one metre to the left of the pig The second one fires A cloud of dirt erupts one metre to the right of the pig The third one shouts we got him so they jump back into the truck and drive off. Sex is like my trading account I lose interest as soon as I withdraw. Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn t expect to be paid back. There are two things you are bett er off not watching in the making sausages and econometric estimates Edward Leamer. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn t happen today. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said Why did you put up such a fight To which the man promptly replied I was afraid that you would find the 200 hidden in my shoe. Economist One day an economist died and was accidentally sent to hell As we all know, all dogs and economists go to heaven, but in this instance old saint Peter was off his game and our economist joined all the rapists, murderers and forex traders in the underworld After a few weeks in hell the economist realises that it s not such a bad place after all, it s just chronically mismanaged So he implements a plan Within a few months the economy in hell is booming He has the budget in surplus which enables the devil to spend on infrastructure, and investment funds start to flow in, increasing capital expenditures throughout the entire hellish economy After a year or two God looks down and notices that the standard of living in hell has increased to the point that most of his angels are booking their summer vacations there The beaches are lovely, and face it, heaven is the last place you re gonna find someone who can mix a decent cocktail He phones the devil to ask what s going on Satan explains that they have employed the services of an economist to fix their economy God is not happy You know that all economists go to heaven he yelled, send him back immediately or we re going to sue you The devil just laughed and replied, As if Where are you gonna get your hands on a lawyer. A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang She threw on her towel and went to the door Dave, a poker buddy of her husband s was there He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered I ll give you 500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds That s 50 a second She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel He smiled, gave her the money and walked away When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked Was that Dave Did he bring the 500 he owed me.- Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them - I did - Well, heres the elastic band. I just went partners with my bank They own half my car. Helium was up Feathers were down Paper was stationary Knives were up sharply Pencils lost a few points Hiking equipment was trailing Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline Light switches were off Mining equipment hit rock bottom Diapers remained unchanged Shipping lines stayed at an even keel Balloon prices were inflated And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage. Look, she said We only met a half hour ago How can you be so sure We know nothing about each other. You re wrong, the young man declared For the past 5 years I ve been working in the bank where your father has his account. Dear Dad, chool i really great I am making lot of friend and tudying very hard With all my tuff, I imply can t think of anything I need o if you would like, you can ju t end me a card, a I would love to hear from you Love, Your on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh Love, Dad. A wife comes in and yells, Honey Pack your clothes I just won the lottery Her husband yells back, But what should I pack The wife replies, I DON T CARE JUST PACK AND GET OUT. A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, This is a muck up Don t you mean a stick up asked the girl No, said the robber, it s a muckup I ve forgotten my gun.- Johnny, if you had 5 and you asked your father for 3 more, how many dollars would you have - I would have five dollars - You don t know your arithmetic, Johnny - You don t know my father, Mrs Mutch. A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled The Rolls owner nods So is mine Got Wi-Fi The Rolls owner nods again Me too What about a double bed No Do you asks the Rolls guy Yep The Kia owner peers out You got me out of the shower to tell me that. There are two types of economists - those who cannot forecast interest rates, and - those who do not know that they cannot forecast interest rates. Bankers are people that help you with problems you would not have had without them. When George found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with So one evening he went to a singles club where he checked out the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty was astounding it took his breath away I may look like just an ordinary man, he said as he walked up to her, but in just a week or two my father will die, and I ll inherit 15 million dollars. Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother. A couple of thieves broke into my holiday apartment and stole 10,000 Euros At least they didn t take anything of any value. Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for 10 each The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort He further announced that he would now buy at 20 This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms The offer increased to 25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it. The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50 However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected I will sell them to you at 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for 50 each. The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere. Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows You sell one and buy a bull Your herd multiplies , and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AMERICAN CAPITALISM or Enro-capitalism You have two cows You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows No balance sheet provided with the release The public buys your bull. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows You sell one, accept an LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year s time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows You are surprised whe n the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows Both are mad. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don t know where they are You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows You count them and learn you have five cows You count them again and learn you have 42 cows You count them again and learn you have 12 cows You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you You charge others for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows You have 300 people milking them You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows That one on the left is kinda cute. Why don t oysters give to charity Because they re shellfish. I was so poor growing up if I wasn t a boy I d have nothing to play with Rodney Dangerfield. A guy wearing a singlet and slippers walked into the bank and practically shouted at the teller, Yo woman Who do I speak to to open a bloody bank account in this bloody bank. The teller politely told him to lower his voice as he was disturbing the other customers and that she would be able to open his bank account for him. The guy was practically foaming at the mouth Don t you tell me what to do And no woman is opening my bloody account You women are just good for cooking, cleaning and making babies I wanna speak to a man. The teller got up in a huff, went to the bank manager s office and explained the situation to him The bank manager told her that while the customer was always right, this customer was definitely wrong He went back with the teller to set the guy straight. About time a man showed up The guy was as loud, if not louder than before I just won 25 million dollars in the lottery and this bloody woman insisted that she s capable of opening my bloody account for me. She did, did she The bank manager was almost as loud as the guy She was just supposed to clean the windows and arrange the files Don t mind her Let s go to my bloody office and see what we can do about your bloody account. Dave has been a cheap tight-wad his whole life His family gathers around him as he lies on his death bed Dave peers up at them and asks, Is everybody here Where s Bessie I m here his wife says The kids We re here, Dad they reply Don t worry Dave, everybody s here Bessie reassures him Dave jumps up in bed and yells, Well, if everybody s here then why is the light on in the kitchen. A long term investment is a short term investment that failed. Do n t let the banks cash in on your international money transfers. 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